What life has taught me

One year and a half after l received the brain tumor diagnosis...
I am so grateful to be alive. And I´m learning how it meansto live with the side effects such as movements of my head without my notice, blurry vision, and lack of body balance. Every day, l have been experiencing how my body moves without my control. Many times, it makes me feel insecure because I feel like l falldown anytime. Also, I notice that when l drive to the hospital where it is far from my home. I feel like the highway and cars move far and close to me constantly and I cannot see well, and I get dizzy for a few seconds until my eyesight is adjusted.

After I went through all these experiences, I finally could say that I learned what "being patient" means and I made this word to become my friend. Today, I live day by day to understand what my body needs to recover to be well. I stopped making plans for the future and I committed myself to meet the short goals of my good health. Somehow, my life forced me to slow down in a very unexpected way, but l don´t fight against it anymore and I am so thankful for my life did that to me. Today, I can see how much I needed it. My life had no ending with a routine of work, work, work, and work with full of responsibilities all the time. I forgot how to enjoy my life. I cannot remember when I see beautiful rainbows and clouds in the sky. But when I was in the hospital, l spent so many afternoons seeing the sky from my bed making stories about them like when I was a child.

I have been dealing with trust and control issues in my entire life. There was not even one situation that I could not control anything. l had this strong belief if l was not in control of everything, that made me look weak in front of people. But after this life-changing event, I had to surrender to everything about my mind, my body, my emotions, my soul while I was in the hospital. Honestly, I gave up controlling everything at first because I had no choice. Then actually, l was being resigned from everything else which was in my control.

First, I trusted that everyone was doing the best for keeping me safe and alive. Second, I trusted in the wisdom of my body, knowing what it needed to recover itself step by step.

From the shocking experience of two brain surgeries with all the complications and the medicines doctors gave me at the hospital, I have been learning how to trust in life and the time l need to recover myself. Even though I had been frustrated so many times because I wished this process could go through faster, l understand that was not in my control and l had to be patient. Also, l am so happy that my mind came back into my body. On top of them, these experiences made me discover the strength I did not know that I had before instead of making me weak.

Emotionally, I felt like l was on a roller coaster. l went up and down so many ways. l got into this huge depression as I have never experienced before. Actually, I think I have been still dealing with it. The first few months, I cried as I had never cried this much before. Even now I sometimes wake up and I start crying without any reason and l cannot stop but I think it because I still feel broken inside myself. Fortunately, my emotions became more stable for the last couple of months. I feel so happy and be blessed being alive, but l know I am still in the process of knowing how my life will be changed.

Currently, we are still in a pandemic of COVID19. l barely goout and l do not feel comfortable with people coming over to my place, so I basically have been staying the same life as I was at the hospital still. I wonder how my new life will be.

To adjust these new changes have not been easy for me. Some days, I do not have any energy at all, and I wish I could stay in bed all day long. Resting well at night is the best thing for me. I sleep 10 hours a day on average but if I cannot sleep well for some reason, l wake up feeling tired already the next morning, and my left-hand shakes more than usual. l feel clumsy and drop things easily from my hands and I cannot concentrate at work like I used to. Having conversations with people on the phone is a real challenge for me because I cannot tolerate the sound of the voice of any of them. Whenever I am sitting in front of the computer for more than 4 or 5 hours, I get exhausted and I must lay down for a couple of minutes because I get bad headaches.

After I lived through these things, they allowed me to get to know a new version of myself. The unbelievable physical pain I experienced showed me my unknown force. Even when I have been facing with very unfortunate news, I earned so much courage from them. Now with these, I value the scars of my soul and body. l know it sounds strange, but I decided to keep shaving the back of my head where the scar and hole are at. l like touching and feeling them as of my victory marks, and as a positive reminder of what I went through as of "The good and the bad things". My life changed in one second, but l can see it for good now.

My priority has been changed now. First, it comes to my family, then my friends, my values, and my work. Sometimes, l am amazed by how I react completely different than who I used to be in some situations. It seems I was a different person and l proudly can sure that I became a different person after I overcame many physical and emotional complications. Now, I feel confident to say that l can face everything in life.